It's hard to believe that a year ago today, as I laid in bed trying to fall asleep, news broke that the most wanted man in the world had finally met his end at the hands of the US Navy Seals. As word began to slowly tickle across social media networks around the world, I sat there in utter disbelief, shock, and a range of emotions I don't think I can even fully describe. At that point, Sayre had been on deployment for a few months. Immediately my mind raced and wondered what this would mean for not only Sayre and his fellow shipmates, but all of the other countless men & women deployed at the time. Would the terrorist community fall apart now that its mastermind was no-more, or would this just be the beginning - a poke at the beehive which would unleash a fury? Logic suggested that it would take them awhile to regroup and present a new possible attack on us, but at the time, in those moments, all I could think about was my husband sailing overseas far from my reach.
Even sitting here today watching historical recounts of that day, I'm brought back to that night and those same mixed emotions stir up within me. It's such a strange world we live in, isn't it? While the natural reaction for us Americans is to celebrate this huge victory, should the death of another human being be celebrated regardless of who he is or what he's done? Sure, I felt relief and of course the victims of 9/11 came to mind as their murderer finally got justice served to him, but it only begged the question, "What's next?" or rather "Who's next?" It's just so hard to wrap my mind around the pure evil in this world. I try my best to keep those thoughts from my mind, but on days like today I'm reminded of the threats that do still exist and find myself forever grateful for the men and women that proudly put on their uniforms each day and selflessly lay their lives on the line.
Truthfully, in regards to not only this, but every day life, I don't think I will ever be able to put into words the range of emotions I feel from time-to-time simply from being a military wife. I know that at times I may come across as bleeding red white & blue, but it's simply due to the fact that I don't know how else to channel my feelings towards living this life. When it comes to certain things, I'm an open book... but when it comes to these emotions within me, at times, I try to close myself up as tightly as I can to put on my steel armor and hide behind a cloak of strength. Perhaps I have an issue with my own pride, but I'd sooner let my thoughts consume me from within than to drop this heavy shield I've built up and let people see me on those days when I just completely fall apart. "Be strong," I tell myself. "You can't let others know you struggle - it'll convey the wrong message," I believe. I want desperately for others to know that I'm so insanely proud of my husband and everything he does. I want them to see that I stand strongly and proudly behind him. I don't want them to think for even
one instant, that I regret him for this or that I wish things were different - because I DON'T. I wouldn't trade this life for
anything. My life has been beyond my wildest dreams thanks to God and His divine presence in our lives together. God knew
exactly what he was doing when he created Sayre & I for each other - no two people could be more perfect for each other. So, like I said, the
last thing I'd ever want to do is give the false impression that I'm unhappy as a result of our journey within this crazy military world... but.... I would be lying, and perhaps some days I do lie (even to myself at times) about the fact that it's easy. It's not easy. There are days (usually when Sayre's been gone just one too many days for training or, of course, during deployments) where all I want to do is curl up into a ball and sink into the ground. When I watched his ship sail away that very first time knowing I wouldn't see his sweet face again for at least 7 months, I felt the deepest sense of longing and sadness that I've ever felt in my entire life. I physically hurt from within. But you know what? I overcame it. We both did. We clung to each other, though thousands of miles and oceans separated us, and we clung to God, and we did it. We made it through without a hitch and we were stronger for it. God used that time to strengthen us in ways I don't think either one of us could have ever even imagined. And goodness gracious, let me tell you, when that ship returned 7 months later and I stood there on that pier with my two sweet fellow Navy wife friends who had stood in that same spot before me to welcome their own husbands home.... oh my... words
truly cannot describe how
unbelievable and how
surreal it felt. The pride that absolutely consumed me for my husband was breathtaking as was the pride I felt to be standing among all of those sailors and their families. These past nearly 3 years of marriage to the most remarkable man who has such a remarkable job has taught me
so much. I thank GOD for this opportunity to grow within me indescribable admiration and appreciation for every single person on this planet that has been or ever will be, even in the smallest of ways, affected by our United States military. It's so rare for me to sit down and reflect upon these things and actually attempt to put it into writing, because I know it will inevitably bring me to my knees and the tears will flow, but
these are the moments and
these are the emotions that for as long as I live, I hope I never forget.
